It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
is this how new cars are made??
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.