10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
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“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?