watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
You look like you would fail a DNA test