Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
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I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
2022: I can fix it
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood