To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
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There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.