The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
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Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.