HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
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Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.