I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.