You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[eats all your cotton candy]
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.