I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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The options really are this bad
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level