I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
fair
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?