I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?