her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.