Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
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I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Festive toon…
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.