when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
You Might Also Like
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Somebody call the cops.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom