People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
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My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
the short answer to this question
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.