me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
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[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I think my mom just blocked me
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*