DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.