Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
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At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.