I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
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me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.