age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
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when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
RT if you could go either way.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.