I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
You Might Also Like
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
One of the best
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
How can I say no to this ?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
beware of dog
What the hell happened here.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.