I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
You Might Also Like
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*