When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Okey dokey.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out