Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
You Might Also Like
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet