My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it