my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Alexa; make it look like an accident
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.