Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!