Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
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“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
S O O N
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Battery falling down a hole
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me buying fruit and veg
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Every work call, he judges.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.