Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
You Might Also Like
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Love this guy
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda