Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
this is how life feels
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.