i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.