Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Covid like
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If only.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny