If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
incredible book dedication
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…