Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
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I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
A friend sent me this.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.