Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
You Might Also Like
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
What personal space?
My dog
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses