had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
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My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,