[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
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ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
no cat here
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What