I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
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her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Mhm.
Lassie, get help!
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.