The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
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Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Awwwww shit.