I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Oh the world we live in…
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Has there ever been a more American story?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.