*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
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Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying