Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.