50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.