My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.