I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find