ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
screw you
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”