Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol