Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
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Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Wait a minute…
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is