Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year